When You're Short on Jelly Beans

BY KATHY

“When did you know you would just love living in Haiti?”  I get questions like this from time to time.  I am never sure how to answer.  Do I love living in Haiti?  The answer is more complicated than it would seem at first glance.  Knowing you are where God has called you is huge, and there is a feeling of dependence upon Him and closeness to Him that is unlike any other feeling.  And Haiti is truly a beautiful country, with oceans and mountains and pine forests, and is culturally rich.  And we have many close relationships here in Haiti, both with Haitians and foreigners living in Haiti.

But there are many challenges living here.  Every day, I deeply miss our family and friends in the US.  The depth of need here and our ability to address only a fraction of it often is overwhelming.  Navigating in another language and a foreign-to-me culture each day is often tiring.  So can I say I love living here?  I love parts of it, and other parts of it stretch me and grow me like nothing else can, which is good, and God is using that, but there are days that are difficult, to be sure.

Being stretched like this is not unique to living in Haiti, or living in other countries.  And even if you never leave the US, life throws so many things our way that challenge and grow our souls, things like chronic illnesses, caring for aging parents, broken relationships, and so many other things.  I had a delightful conversation with our daughter one time when she told me about a friend’s analogy when talking about emotional reserves.  She explained that each day, it’s like you start with a jar full of jelly beans.  As the day proceeds, there are events that take away jelly beans, such as being yelled at by your boss or getting a speeding ticket, and things that put jelly beans back in your jar, such as a compliment or a lunch with your best friend.  In seasons of life that are challenging, your jelly bean jar is only half-full to begin with each day. 

One night, when I couldn’t sleep (it was SO hot!), God and I had a little visit, and we came up with a checklist to give me extra jelly beans that I now consult each week.  It is crazy to me that at 56 years old, God is still teaching me so many things about myself!  I know that when the going gets tough, it is all the more important to draw close to the Lord, and spend time with Him and pray.  But there are other things I also need to make sure are in place to thrive in this new station of my life that can leave my emotional reserves shallow.  So here is my jelly bean list:

1.  Stay Connected in a heart-way

FaceTime with our granddaughter (isn't she cute?!)

Living in Haiti, it is often difficult to move about the country due to security issues, traffic, time constraints, etc.  I often work in our home by myself, as accounting (which is the work that requires the bulk of my time) is a one-man-show.  At the hospital, I enjoy deepening relationships with our Haitian staff, but developing new relationships requires much time, and add to that doing it in another language and culture, it can use a lot of jelly beans!  In any station in life, engaging regularly with those people who love you warts and all yields many jelly beans.  God has created us to be relational people!  You need time with those who already know and love you anyway, and can speak into your heart. Here are some ways to make sure you nurture the human relationship part of your soul:

• Schedule time regularly when you can connect heart-to-heart with those who you are most deeply connected - a best friend, grown child, mother, etc to share your heart and to hear theirs.  For me, this takes place in the form of Sunday afternoon Facetime chats with my kids, or a face-to-face visit with an old friend who also lives in Haiti.  It is good and necessary to develop new relationships where you (for me, Haitians), but it also can be hard work, at least in the early stages of a relationship, especially if you are navigating in a different language, culture, economic background, or with those in your life who require more emotional energy – you also need times of low-stress/high-connection fellowship.
• Reserve time for those on your “A list” first.  When I am back in the US, I reserve time with family and close friends before other commitments; any time I don’t have set aside often gets consumed by something else. 
• Identify stumbling blocks to connectedness in your current situations, and make a plan to progress to more connections.  For me, living in another country, I make a concerted effort to continue to learn Haitian kreyòl and new things about Haitian culture, so developing deeper friendships with nationals becomes more natural and can move from jelly bean stealers to jelly bean contributors.  For you, it may be finding a sitter for the kids, developing that special friendship, or saying “no” to something to find time to say “yes” to a friend date.

 2.  Find Meaningful Work

Hearing screenings at a local school

Many missionaries end up doing all kinds of things they never anticipated, and many of those things are not necessarily what they feel competent doing or are very “glamourous” kinds of work.  This is true in so many areas of life, such as changing dirty diapers, grocery shopping, managing the checkbook of your aging parent.  So:

•           Find time each week to engage in work you are passionate about and feel competent doing.  For me, that is speech therapy.  Even though I only do this a few hours a week, it energizes, renews my spirit, and puts jelly beans in my jar.
•           For those necesssary tasks that are NOT so exciting and fulfilling, remind yourself to acknowledge the quality work you do.  For me, this is bookkeeping/accounting; for you, it could be the mundane parts of caring for a family member, or paperwork, or listening tirelessly to a friend in need, but give yourself credit for a job well done.
•           When there is work that needs to be done that is beyond your scope, give yourself freedom to farm it out.  That could be hiring someone to do it, taking an acquaintance to lunch and glean from their experience, or finding a friend or family member to help.  For example, I am good at detail-level acounting, but setting up whole big-picture systems is not something I do well.  I need to call in backup for times like that.  Learn how God has gifted you and step into that role, and understand you need to rely on another part of the body of Christ.
•           Remind yourself not to take on the stress of those areas God is not calling you to.  Acknowledge those assignments you can be responsible for, and those you cannot.  For example, my husband is on the management team at the hospital; I am not.  I need to remind myself that worrying about an upcoming issue the management team needs to solve will not help solve it – I can, however, pray about it and listen and encourage my husband as he plans for these things.

 3.  Allow for Rest and “Margin”

Afternoon of relaxin'

When your plate is full and it seems that there are always more demands, sometimes it feels like   There are times in our lives when we can “sprint” for a time, but on an ongoing basis, we need to acknowledge that life is a “marathon”, and we need times of rest and renewal to be able to continue doing the work the Lord has called us to.

working around the clock is the only solution.

•            Begin the day with prayer, and let God help you order your day.  Soak in the Lord with Bible reading and prayer, and then ask the Lord which things He would have you do that day – it doesn’t all need to be done that day.  I have found a physical location to have devotions, not a place I normally work (there is one particular chair in our house with a view of trees and plants outside, or when at the clinic, I sneak away into a quiet and cool room).
•            Have regular Sabbath time.  I used to get frustrated when older ladies in the church would talk about this when I was raising my young kids.  If I take a day off, who will take care of my kids?  What mother can have a whole Sabbath?  I think the important thing is to find regular time to rest.  This may be Sundays, it may be a different day of the week, it may be a quiet hour each night after the kids have gone to bed.  We found ourselves working 10-14 hour days, 6 ½ to 7 days a week.  Now, I try diligently to take off every Sunday whenever possible – I read the Bible, watch a movie, read a book, take a walk, talk to my special people on the phone, activities to re-fill my jelly bean jar.  We also set a time each evening to quit working.  Whatever we didn’t get to that evening can wait until the next day.  …and I have made a decision to actually take the vacation time alotted to us.  Jesus found times of rest, do I think I can do without if He needed it?
•           During times of high demands, find a few moments to decompress.  When we host groups, I try to find a time to sneak away and have a phone call with a friend, have private devotions, or just have a few moments alone to decompress.  We enjoy hosting groups, but it also is a time when we are “on” every waking moment.  For anyone short on jelly beans, sneaking away even just for a moment to decompress can go a long way. 
•            Cancel other obligations to have a “catch-up day” when necessary.  When I get behind, I try to cancel whatever necessary to make time to get caught up rather than staying behind for long periods of time.  For me, this is one of my biggest stressors – having a long list of tasks expected of me, and not being able to meet those expectations.
•            When there are demands placed on you that you feel you can’t manage well, brainstorm solutions.  When I am faced with a difficult set of circumstances, I talk it out with a close friend or my husband and pray together to brainstorm ways to manage the situation.
•            Exercise.  I know, I know, we all know this is good for us and good for managing stress, but some of us are better at being disciplined about this.  My husband is great at this; me, not so much.  So I try to exercise most days, even if it is just 15 minutes of stretching and light exercise.  Having a short time of exercise is better than none, and takes the pressure off of feeling a need for a long, organized workout.
•            Listen to music to be inspired and worship, and dance J

 I don’t always adhere to these ideas as closely as I would like, and life often gets in the way and some things fall by the wayside.  But when I begin to feel my jelly bean jar getting close to the empty mark, I re-read my list, pray and regroup.  When I look at the way Jesus lived his days on this earth, I see evidence of Him staying connected to others important to Him, investing in meaningful work (obviously!), and allowing time for rest.  I understand that different seasons of life bring different challenges, and what may work in one season may not work in another.  Each person’s jelly bean jar will be filled in different ways, but I hope this can inspire you to find ways to fill your own jar!